Ahh, suicide. We don't talk about that subject it is a taboo. We can't talk about depression. No one wants to hear about the dark places a person's mind goes. No one wants to know about the dark things a person feels or about the dark depths of their souls. So how are we supposed to get better? How do we get through this? I can tell you right now a pill doesn't fix it. It can make it good for a while, but it won't fix every day and every dark place.
Most people don't know what it is like to truly not want to be alive. To really not want to be in this world anymore. When all you feel is darkness all around you and it hurts. It hurts so bad. Nothing makes it better. It isn't that you think no one loves you. You know they do, which makes the pain even worse. I believe in God, so I know there is hope. On those dark days though, there is nothing it is so dark and so painful and devastating. You can't even describe the feeling that sinks deep within your soul. You look in the eyes of your loved ones and they know you don't want to be here and you know the hurt. I am lucky in a way, most times, I know if I can get to the next day or two it will be okay. The problem is getting to the next day.
You can't sleep. You don't want to be awake and it feels like everything in your body is over-sensitive or hurting. It is the true meaning of your last nerve and you can feel it. You can feel every little thing touching the nerve. You are overstimulated but exhausted. You need to make it to tomorrow. Tomorrow, ugh, tomorrow. What an exhausting word. Tomorrow. In this state tomorrow just feels like another daunting task. A huge mountain you have to climb again. You aren't even at the bottom of the mountain. You are in some lowly valley. It's cold, it's dark and all you want to do is go to sleep forever. You really don't want to feel anymore. You are tired of feeling everything. It is so exhausting. You want to cry, but you can't it makes you loved ones hurt. You can't stand for them to hurt. It just makes you hurt more. Get me off this roller coaster.
It is hard so very hard. I definitely don't have all the answers. I know that we have to have people we can talk to. I couldn't tell you who that is. I assume it is different for everyone.
If you think someone needs help or an ear, step in. STEP IN, STEP UP. Sure they may deny, but you may save a life.
This is such a hard subject, I am just going to leave this here.
I will be back in a couple of days to talk more about it.
ON a side note, this is about me and my experience only.
