Ahh, suicide. We don't talk about that subject it is a taboo. We can't talk about depression. No one wants to hear about the dark places a person's mind goes. No one wants to know about the dark things a person feels or about the dark depths of their souls. So how are we supposed to get better? How do we get through this? I can tell you right now a pill doesn't fix it. It can make it good for a while, but it won't fix every day and every dark place.
Most people don't know what it is like to truly not want to be alive. To really not want to be in this world anymore. When all you feel is darkness all around you and it hurts. It hurts so bad. Nothing makes it better. It isn't that you think no one loves you. You know they do, which makes the pain even worse. I believe in God, so I know there is hope. On those dark days though, there is nothing it is so dark and so painful and devastating. You can't even describe the feeling that sinks deep within your soul. You look in the eyes of your loved ones and they know you don't want to be here and you know the hurt. I am lucky in a way, most times, I know if I can get to the next day or two it will be okay. The problem is getting to the next day.
You can't sleep. You don't want to be awake and it feels like everything in your body is over-sensitive or hurting. It is the true meaning of your last nerve and you can feel it. You can feel every little thing touching the nerve. You are overstimulated but exhausted. You need to make it to tomorrow. Tomorrow, ugh, tomorrow. What an exhausting word. Tomorrow. In this state tomorrow just feels like another daunting task. A huge mountain you have to climb again. You aren't even at the bottom of the mountain. You are in some lowly valley. It's cold, it's dark and all you want to do is go to sleep forever. You really don't want to feel anymore. You are tired of feeling everything. It is so exhausting. You want to cry, but you can't it makes you loved ones hurt. You can't stand for them to hurt. It just makes you hurt more. Get me off this roller coaster.
It is hard so very hard. I definitely don't have all the answers. I know that we have to have people we can talk to. I couldn't tell you who that is. I assume it is different for everyone.
If you think someone needs help or an ear, step in. STEP IN, STEP UP. Sure they may deny, but you may save a life.
This is such a hard subject, I am just going to leave this here.
I will be back in a couple of days to talk more about it.
ON a side note, this is about me and my experience only.
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Today I am struggling struggling.
Am I the only one you sung that to "Rock Party Anthem" Okay so maybe I am. I am struggling with a few things today. There is one though that grates on me and makes me irrationally angry. I just don't understand it. Writing that last sentence, I am not sure I want to understand it. I know I don't if that means I will inherit those qualities.
How do people feel entitled? What is in them that makes them this way? I know someone that really has an entitlement disease. I am nothing less than disgusted by it. It brings me to my boiling point. If your property is where he can use it, he is going to take it and use it. He will not ask. He will not thank you. He will not even acknowledge that the property is yours. He will take and use it and not take care of it in any way shape or form. He is somehow entitled to whatever he wants. I don't care if it is your pliers. He will pick them up use them and you will never see them again. If it is something that benefits him, something he wants he will take it. He will cut a chain and unlock the boat so he has access to it and use. No questions. He is ENTITLED.
I don't understand this behavior. I don't even like to borrow things. If I need it, I buy it. If I can't afford it, I live without it. I am not owed anything. Just because something is there doesn't mean that I get to use it. I am always willing to lend a hand. I have lent a arm and a leg to said person. Is this the problem? Where does this entitlement come from? It really makes me so mad, I can't think. I am not sure what to do.
I have to call on God because I need to soften my heart from this anger. I will never understand how one person can take advantage of another. I will never understand how a person can take things that aren't theirs. I don't need to understand it, do I? I need to take care of the parts that affect me and pray for this person. I need to step back. This is a hard thing for me to do. Martin Luther King said it so well, "Injustice anywhere threatens justice everywhere."
If it isn't yours, don't ask like it is. Always treat other peoples property with the utmost respect. These are words that I live by. I think it might be a nicer world if we all did.
How do people feel entitled? What is in them that makes them this way? I know someone that really has an entitlement disease. I am nothing less than disgusted by it. It brings me to my boiling point. If your property is where he can use it, he is going to take it and use it. He will not ask. He will not thank you. He will not even acknowledge that the property is yours. He will take and use it and not take care of it in any way shape or form. He is somehow entitled to whatever he wants. I don't care if it is your pliers. He will pick them up use them and you will never see them again. If it is something that benefits him, something he wants he will take it. He will cut a chain and unlock the boat so he has access to it and use. No questions. He is ENTITLED.
I don't understand this behavior. I don't even like to borrow things. If I need it, I buy it. If I can't afford it, I live without it. I am not owed anything. Just because something is there doesn't mean that I get to use it. I am always willing to lend a hand. I have lent a arm and a leg to said person. Is this the problem? Where does this entitlement come from? It really makes me so mad, I can't think. I am not sure what to do.
I have to call on God because I need to soften my heart from this anger. I will never understand how one person can take advantage of another. I will never understand how a person can take things that aren't theirs. I don't need to understand it, do I? I need to take care of the parts that affect me and pray for this person. I need to step back. This is a hard thing for me to do. Martin Luther King said it so well, "Injustice anywhere threatens justice everywhere."
If it isn't yours, don't ask like it is. Always treat other peoples property with the utmost respect. These are words that I live by. I think it might be a nicer world if we all did.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Richly Blessed is the best.
Oh how richly blessed am I. Tomorrow my baby graduates. My last little girl will walk across the stage and graduate high school and we will will both enter a new phase in our lives.
I have been raising kids all my adult life. I have graduated 4 out 5 children, number 5 of 6 will graduate tomorrow. I haven't cried until now. Not once have I found this sad and today I am tears. I still don't really think they are sad tears. I am so richly blessed. I have had to go without so much and so have my kids. They come from a broken home and yet a lot of people don't know that. They don't know my husband and I aren't the biological parents of all these children. I am so richly blessed. I wasn't able to give them the home I wanted to. I made some poor choices as a young adult. The love that flows out of this family fills my heart to overflowing. Brandi's accomplishments are ours. We cry together, we love together, we have all worked for this together. We aren't separate. We are one. We have many branches, but we are one. I wish I could find the words to explain the love I feel.
We created a family where there was none. So many wished to see us fail. I have a mother and father-in-law that have never accepted or acknowledged my children in 14 years. I feel sorry for them. We drop everything, EVERYTHING when one of our own is in need. My children take care of me. This breaks my heart and makes me proud all at the same time. I wish it was something they didn't have to do or see. Their strength amazes me. This is love, undying, unending love. My husband and I have been able to show them that you can love through anything. Sometimes, your family is not nourishing. It is sad. I ache for my husband sometimes because of it. I cherish my family.
I come from a family of love, my parents taught me that. I am so thankful for them. I am thankful to God for seeing my need. I am thankful he sent me this wonderful family. I am so richly blessed. I don't have much, but I don't need much. I have my family and it really IS everything.
I have been raising kids all my adult life. I have graduated 4 out 5 children, number 5 of 6 will graduate tomorrow. I haven't cried until now. Not once have I found this sad and today I am tears. I still don't really think they are sad tears. I am so richly blessed. I have had to go without so much and so have my kids. They come from a broken home and yet a lot of people don't know that. They don't know my husband and I aren't the biological parents of all these children. I am so richly blessed. I wasn't able to give them the home I wanted to. I made some poor choices as a young adult. The love that flows out of this family fills my heart to overflowing. Brandi's accomplishments are ours. We cry together, we love together, we have all worked for this together. We aren't separate. We are one. We have many branches, but we are one. I wish I could find the words to explain the love I feel.
We created a family where there was none. So many wished to see us fail. I have a mother and father-in-law that have never accepted or acknowledged my children in 14 years. I feel sorry for them. We drop everything, EVERYTHING when one of our own is in need. My children take care of me. This breaks my heart and makes me proud all at the same time. I wish it was something they didn't have to do or see. Their strength amazes me. This is love, undying, unending love. My husband and I have been able to show them that you can love through anything. Sometimes, your family is not nourishing. It is sad. I ache for my husband sometimes because of it. I cherish my family.
I come from a family of love, my parents taught me that. I am so thankful for them. I am thankful to God for seeing my need. I am thankful he sent me this wonderful family. I am so richly blessed. I don't have much, but I don't need much. I have my family and it really IS everything.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Basketball fans
I am going to have to start this with some background. I posted this statement earlier tonight on my Facebook wall, "Sitting in this gym for what is the 4th or 5th game of these season and twice already this year fans threatened with removal. I remember what disgusts me about this town. For all the good that some of these people do, you'd never know it from watching a youth sporting event. I will NEVER miss this!" A friend followed up with this, "Prayers they find the right heart and attitude. I remember being in that place - in my heart - when my kids played and I wasn't happy with a call. I hope I never let my emotions get the best of me and made myself look foolishly rude at games - and if anyone thought so, that they forgave me for it! Sometimes when it comes to our kids, we become so blind to the fact LIFE ISN'T FAIR & sometimes neither are other teams, games or referees, so learn a POSITIVE life lesson and move on s BETTER person. Sorry, I'll get off your soapbox, just had to join you for a minute!" Rather than put a long rant on Facebook, I felt I should write it out here.
I think it is well known, that I speak my mind, but I don't think yelling at the refs for a bad call does any good. The referees after all are only human and very rarely are they really "out to get you". However if you are going to berate them for every single call or missed call, they are going to respond as humans. It really isn't hard just give them a break. Do we really think they make bad calls on purpose? I mean really, do we? I don't. I don't think that at all. They missed it. Is it possible they didn't see it? I can hear some of the fans now. "There is no way he didn't see that" "that was right in front of him" "is he blind?" Here is my question, have you ever raised a two year old? Did you know every single thing they did and touched that day? These two or three referees are on the floor with 10 players. These 10 players are teenagers and let me tell you, teenagers are good at hiding things if they need or want to. They can't see everything. They can't. They are human. Give them a break. Fans have a much better vantage point of the game, the referee is on the floor with all the action. Imagine the legs and arms and things move in your line of sight. The fans have a much better view. We have the advantage of better angles. Remember all those high school math classes? Yes angles are important. Just because it didn't go our way doesn't make it a bad call. I have never heard some one stand up and yell that their own team was walking or fouling when in fact, they were.
It absolutely serves no purpose to get that upset over something so trivial anyway. Anger begets anger. In all of this it is as though we have left out the most important part; the kids. These kids out on the court and the ones in the stands are learning by watching you. Do you feel good about what you are teaching them? This is the time to learn about teamwork. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn how to rise above adversity. When you think it is a terrible call, keep your mouth shut or encourage the kids. We are so busy being mad about the call, we forget to encourage the kids to do their best. I started my own study of sorts years ago. I was watching the crowd and the reaction of the kids on the court. I would then start trying to pump the kids up before negativity would start. It changes their whole attitude. You can watch it and see it all over the kids faces. When the kids were being encouraged they had so much more hustle. They had more life in them. The crowd would change and be less positive and you could literally see them deflate. Life is hard enough. Teach our kids right. Teach them to take what they are given and do their best. It doesn't matter the call. You can ALWAYS do and be your best. WE, as adults, should always promote that.
I won't say I have never come out of the stands, because that would not be true. I know I have at least twice. Once was with a coach and his behavior was way out of line. It never happened again. The second time it was a referee and coach situation. The referee had threatened to throw me out the night before during my son's game and the next day he was taking it out on my daughter verbal. I didn't tolerate that. She was 12, I think a the time and that wasn't the lesson I wanted her to learn that day. Those are mine and I own them. I am not proud of them, but would probably do pretty much the same thing. I don't yell at refs like I did the one that took it out on my daughter the next day. I don't do that, because like me, they are human. They can be vengeful, even if they shouldn't be. So it is always best that I keep my mouth shut, unless I am saying something encouraging.
I think it is well known, that I speak my mind, but I don't think yelling at the refs for a bad call does any good. The referees after all are only human and very rarely are they really "out to get you". However if you are going to berate them for every single call or missed call, they are going to respond as humans. It really isn't hard just give them a break. Do we really think they make bad calls on purpose? I mean really, do we? I don't. I don't think that at all. They missed it. Is it possible they didn't see it? I can hear some of the fans now. "There is no way he didn't see that" "that was right in front of him" "is he blind?" Here is my question, have you ever raised a two year old? Did you know every single thing they did and touched that day? These two or three referees are on the floor with 10 players. These 10 players are teenagers and let me tell you, teenagers are good at hiding things if they need or want to. They can't see everything. They can't. They are human. Give them a break. Fans have a much better vantage point of the game, the referee is on the floor with all the action. Imagine the legs and arms and things move in your line of sight. The fans have a much better view. We have the advantage of better angles. Remember all those high school math classes? Yes angles are important. Just because it didn't go our way doesn't make it a bad call. I have never heard some one stand up and yell that their own team was walking or fouling when in fact, they were.
It absolutely serves no purpose to get that upset over something so trivial anyway. Anger begets anger. In all of this it is as though we have left out the most important part; the kids. These kids out on the court and the ones in the stands are learning by watching you. Do you feel good about what you are teaching them? This is the time to learn about teamwork. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn how to rise above adversity. When you think it is a terrible call, keep your mouth shut or encourage the kids. We are so busy being mad about the call, we forget to encourage the kids to do their best. I started my own study of sorts years ago. I was watching the crowd and the reaction of the kids on the court. I would then start trying to pump the kids up before negativity would start. It changes their whole attitude. You can watch it and see it all over the kids faces. When the kids were being encouraged they had so much more hustle. They had more life in them. The crowd would change and be less positive and you could literally see them deflate. Life is hard enough. Teach our kids right. Teach them to take what they are given and do their best. It doesn't matter the call. You can ALWAYS do and be your best. WE, as adults, should always promote that.
I won't say I have never come out of the stands, because that would not be true. I know I have at least twice. Once was with a coach and his behavior was way out of line. It never happened again. The second time it was a referee and coach situation. The referee had threatened to throw me out the night before during my son's game and the next day he was taking it out on my daughter verbal. I didn't tolerate that. She was 12, I think a the time and that wasn't the lesson I wanted her to learn that day. Those are mine and I own them. I am not proud of them, but would probably do pretty much the same thing. I don't yell at refs like I did the one that took it out on my daughter the next day. I don't do that, because like me, they are human. They can be vengeful, even if they shouldn't be. So it is always best that I keep my mouth shut, unless I am saying something encouraging.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Wide Open
Have you ever heard a son for the first time and all of the
sudden you are taken back to a different place in time? You can feel those feelings like it was
yesterday or that you were right in the middle of the time. I love when a song can do that.
I heard Luke Bryan’s “Roller Coaster” and I was moved to a
time in my past. I don't really listen to country. Texas country is better than country though. You can check out the song here. I am in love with it now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxVKTwAkv1k His words spoke to my heart just like that
time and that man did. I won't use names, but he was gorgeous. He was a little rugged but not too rough. Not like anyone I had ever dated. Actually it may have just been that I completely opened up. I took the opportunity to give my soul and all of me. It ended up being an amazing experience.
Have you ever spent a week wide open? Have you just opened yourself up to someone
else and allowed yourself to do things you would have never done? I have and I am so grateful. I watched movies I had gone years
avoiding. He opened my eyes to things
that I had never allowed my heart to see.
It was an amazing time in my life that I am so thankful for. Night time walks to on the beach sitting and
talking for hours. I learned more about
myself in that short time. It makes me smile all over again!
I do have regrets about that time. I regret that I didn’t tell him what that
time really meant to me and what he taught me.
I regret that I do not know if the time meant anything to him, because
this time completely changed me from my soul.
I learned to look at things differently.
I learned to see people differently.
I learned not to open my mouth so quickly, because that blanket on his
bed that might not look like much to me, may mean the world to him. I don’t know who made it or where it came
from. I hate that now I can’t remember
if his mom or his grandmother made it for him.
I will never forget that blanket. I will never forget him and I will forever be
grateful for that little bit of time that spring that I spent “wide open,
upside down beside the ocean.” I will
probably remember it forever.
May you be “wide open”.
Until next time, love like there is no tomorrow <3
Friday, March 6, 2015
Just one more hug
I am deep in my head today. Thinking of my sweet friend who lost her son. I always hear her say she wants to hold him just one more time, to tell him she loves him just one more time.
Today, I am calling BS. I keep thinking about it with my own children and grandchildren. One more hug? One more conversation? Just ONE more time? When would that ever be enough? I just don't think it would be. There is no way if I got one more hug, I would be more willing and okay with letting go. ONE more is never enough. I am not by any stretch of the imagination saying this is the easier way or that ever losing a child would be okay. I am saying we are never going to be okay with losing a kid... EVER
The pain has to be completely unimaginable. I really can't even imagine the pain. I can't imagine the thought of never hugging or holding or talking to one of my kids again. I can't bare the thought. We know the life cycle and we know we are going to lose our parents at some point. I simple can't even imagine that. ONE more is never going to be enough.
I know there is probably things we had wish we had sad. I am glad for her though. The last time she saw her boy, he was happy, healthy pursuing life's greatest happiness. He was in a good place. I know this doesn't help her, at least not right now. He was high on life and if I had to lose one of my kids (two of which turn 20 this year) I would want them to be in a great place with no regrets. I would want them to be in a state like he was. He was happy. He loved his family, friends, and life. If he had gotten to live, he would have had an amazing life. Wait... He DID have an amazing life.
I guess our biggest thing is the regrets. The things we didn't do or say. The only frame of reference I have is when my granddad passed away. I had to forgive myself for being human, because that is all I am. I will explain that later..
For now, I will pray for my friend. I love her.
Have a great day!!
Today, I am calling BS. I keep thinking about it with my own children and grandchildren. One more hug? One more conversation? Just ONE more time? When would that ever be enough? I just don't think it would be. There is no way if I got one more hug, I would be more willing and okay with letting go. ONE more is never enough. I am not by any stretch of the imagination saying this is the easier way or that ever losing a child would be okay. I am saying we are never going to be okay with losing a kid... EVER
The pain has to be completely unimaginable. I really can't even imagine the pain. I can't imagine the thought of never hugging or holding or talking to one of my kids again. I can't bare the thought. We know the life cycle and we know we are going to lose our parents at some point. I simple can't even imagine that. ONE more is never going to be enough.
I know there is probably things we had wish we had sad. I am glad for her though. The last time she saw her boy, he was happy, healthy pursuing life's greatest happiness. He was in a good place. I know this doesn't help her, at least not right now. He was high on life and if I had to lose one of my kids (two of which turn 20 this year) I would want them to be in a great place with no regrets. I would want them to be in a state like he was. He was happy. He loved his family, friends, and life. If he had gotten to live, he would have had an amazing life. Wait... He DID have an amazing life.
I guess our biggest thing is the regrets. The things we didn't do or say. The only frame of reference I have is when my granddad passed away. I had to forgive myself for being human, because that is all I am. I will explain that later..
For now, I will pray for my friend. I love her.
Have a great day!!
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Stitch fix day!
I love to get my "Stitch Fix". I love the anticipation. I love the thought of a new outfit coming to my home and beautiful new clothes. I was so excited to get my box. I open the box and the beautiful bright jewel tones just jump out at me. There is a beautiful Green halter dress. This dress is just wonderful. I don't even like or wear dresses, but this dress was beautiful. It doesn't fit :( The dress lacks about 1/2 inch around my ribs to fit. I am so disappointed. There is another dress that is a beautiful purple, but it shows too much arm. It is a beautiful jewel tone too. Ugh disappointment.
I love this beautiful leopard print clutch. Oh wow! I never like prints on my purse. My stylist nailed this one! I love it! It is beautiful. So classy cute! I will try and post a picture later. I can't wait to carry this little cutie. I have a bachelorette party I am carrying this too! Yay! So exciting!
I also had a cute top and a blue cardigan in this fix. The cardigan is cute, but kind of plain and just not a keeper. I am only keeping two things this fix. I am keeping the cute printed sleeveless top and the clutch. I am not as happy with this fix as the last one. I am not giving up yet. I am hoping to have another fix soon. I will let you know how that one goes. Hopefully I can post a picture or two soon.
Until next time.
Have a great night.
I love this beautiful leopard print clutch. Oh wow! I never like prints on my purse. My stylist nailed this one! I love it! It is beautiful. So classy cute! I will try and post a picture later. I can't wait to carry this little cutie. I have a bachelorette party I am carrying this too! Yay! So exciting!
I also had a cute top and a blue cardigan in this fix. The cardigan is cute, but kind of plain and just not a keeper. I am only keeping two things this fix. I am keeping the cute printed sleeveless top and the clutch. I am not as happy with this fix as the last one. I am not giving up yet. I am hoping to have another fix soon. I will let you know how that one goes. Hopefully I can post a picture or two soon.
Until next time.
Have a great night.
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